June 3, 2010

Changes Changing Me

I have not blogged in 7 months. For the last 7 months I have been coming to terms with my life. In January my husband was going to clean out our spare bedroom to allow space for a craft room.

I had turned our china cabinet into a storing space for all of my crafting items. My craft stuff had taken over the dining room table and the better part of the living room. I was miserable seeing all of the stuff day after day. I wanted my own room that I could shut the door to get away and make arts and crafts. I wanted to shut the door and not see the piles of craft stuff.

My husband did try to clean out his man cave and he did move a lot into the closet. The rest he moved out into the front hall by the front door.

But I was devastated.

There was not enough room for my craft stuff and it only made our home worse. I moved all of his stuff back into the spare room so we could clear the hall to the front door. I did not want our home to become like those one's seen on reality shows where extreme hoarders live.

I knew I was not going to get my own craft space.

For the next 2 months I went to my therapist and had some intense therapy sessions. The cause of my deepest depression was my hoarding . With my therapist's guidance I came to terms with my growing piles of craft stuff. I had large piles of craft books and craft magazines. I had all kinds of crafting tools and gadgets. But the craft stuff and organizing of the stuff had taken over and I no longer had time to craft as I was continually having to move and reorganize. I thought having my own craft room would solve everything, but it really wasn't going to solve the bigger problem.

I no longer owned my crafts, they owned me, or that was conclusion my therapist made me consider.

As my therapist put it, I basically owned a craft store within my home and I was constantly arranging, updating, and organizing the inventory and I was putting more and more of my energy into my "craft store" than the creating of arts /craft. In addition my energy also went to a full time job 5 days a week. I put energy into being a mom. I also put energy into being a wife. I also put energy into household chores such as laundry, cooking and cleaning.

Unfortunately, my energy was zapped. I was deeply depressed each and every time I walked into the house. On the weekends, I spent most of the time away from the house, out shopping and unfortunately "collecting" more stuff.

I tried to organize my craft store. There were many storage containers for my craft stuff. But all of my stuff was just too much for a 1200 square foot house . And with a nearly 3 year old child, her toys and her valued possessions had no room to play.

Something had to give.

I made a conscious decision and gave up crafting and art for now.

I wanted to give my daughter a 3rd birthday party in our home that her family and friends could come and enjoy. One that I could have in a clutter free home. I had a deadline, her birthday, March 30th.

After 2 months of counseling, I did the big purge of all of my craft things. On a Saturday morning, my mom drove me to the counselor for one last session before the purge. I was already in a state of shock. After that hour I returned home and for the next 2 hours my mom and I filled bag after bag and loaded them into my dad's pick up. Everything was gone. The only thing left, a box of crayons and a coloring book. From now on, I could no longer just buy random craft for a project that I would one day work on. I would have to have a specific project. Like coloring with my daughter, something that could be done and finished without the extra excess stuff.

It is now 4 months later. I have had some intense anxiety for taking everything and throwing it away at the landfill. But I know I had too. I have felt better with at least that section of the house clutter free. I have felt better that I no longer feel my clutter dominates the household. But I feel sort of lost. Like I don't have me anymore, or what defines me. I wanted my arts and crafts to define me, but really my life and the how I live are definitions. Blogging helps put words to that definition. It really was the blog that was helping me as much at the art projects.

I have come to the conclusion after these months that Blog From the Edges, can be my creative diversion. Utilizing the blog to be my outsource of artistic wants and needs. Maybe from time to time I will post a little art project that I do with my daughter or for me time.

Along the way I will hang on to the Blog from the Edges and find security.